It’s A Leap of Faith

Oh hi there little blog of mine.

As an avid reader of blogs myself, any time a blog went cold I figured there was some sort of huge life change going on and us readers were out the loop on what was happening in real time. For the past five months, I have experienced this from the other side, and my previous reader suspicions were correct.

So remember how I was so confused and apathetic about what to do with my life situation and just life in general recently?

Well, after SEVEN years of working at my old company (do the math, that means I worked there since I was 18 and all during college), and five in my current position, I finally got a new job!!! And also am dating someone. Yeah. We’ll get to that later.

My old job was mostly a retail/customer service type of job, helping the occasion person that walks in with questions or an placing an order, and then it was back to surfing the internet and reading blogs for the next hour. The job itself wasn’t that glamorous (although the store and lobby are gorgeous) and sometimes (most of the time) the customers were annoying, it was only 30 hours a week, and was definitely not challenging any brain cells. The thing was though, I worked at an amazing company. A strong company. I had benefits, insurance, a 401k, a free gym membership, free products, free health screenings, and got paid pretty decently for just sitting here.

Sitting there. Comfortable. Not progressing.

So after applying to many places, interviewing at quite a few and them working out from their end or mine, I interviewed at a company that’s really similar in nature to the other company. But this new position is to be an assistant in the legal department, and I got the job. It was 40 hours a week, higher pay, and hello in a legal department! When I was trying to consider possible fields I would want to go in to, that was one of them.

But of course, because it’s my life, there was a catch. There’s always a catch.

It was only *technically* for three months, for a girl that was going on maternity leave. So I was hired through a temp service, and then depending on if she decided not to come back, I would be hired on with the company after that. But if she did come back, I was S.O.L. and out of a job.

HUGE risk.

I struggled with this decision so hard. Should I leave such a stable company and job for something that’s potentially only three months? What if she comes back and I only have the job for three months, can’t find another job, can’t find one in time or with the economy, become broke and unable to find one forever, and have to move back in with one of my parents which I never want to do and WHAT. IF.

On the plus side though, I would get job experience that I needed, seeing as how I didn’t  have any besides customer service and retail since I was 18. Experience as an assistant and in the legal field at the same time. There was also the possibility of actually working in this position after the three months, or finding another position within the company after.

After thinking, praying, and polling basically anyone within earshot as to what they would do and what I should do, I took a leap of faith and accepted the job.

I stressed about this decision after making it (and feeling good about it to begin with even) for at least a good month. I started realizing that I actually really liked the new people I worked with and that it’d be harder than I thought to have to leave them. I actually even had the thought that I should distance myself to make it easier when that time came.

Then, about halfway through, a miracle happened. One of the ladies in the department that was only part time got fired (I guess it was a long time coming), so that position was offered to the girl that went on maternity leave, and she wanted it. Her husband also got a better job which afforded her the luxury of not having to work full time to support them and keep their house. The big man upstairs was surely watching out for both of us and our lives. She gets to work part time and make the necessary money for her family, I get to stay and keep my new job, make more money, make new friends, and gain job experience.

I officially was hired January 1st as an employee with the company, instead of being a temp. It’s been a good five months working there, and an even better month and a half knowing that all the doubt and worry worked out for the best.

 
And take a leap of faith, cast away your doubt
Darlin’, come what may, we can work it out

The first step’s always the hardest one to take
It’s a leap of faith

-Lionel Cartwright

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Enchanted

At the end of May, I randomly started creepily stalking following this guy that was a stranger on Instagram that I had found through one of my followers.

I thought he was adorable and I could tell from his pictures and comments that he was a good guy. I became frustrated by the fact that there’s basically no way to flirt with someone on instagram… the only options are to like the picture or leave a comment about the actual picture but there’s no way to actually talk directly to the person. His username was complicated and not his real name (therefore I couldn’t find a facebook), so I figured I was just bound to the fate of never being able to talk to him, but continued to like and comment on a few pictures in the meantime.

After about a month of this irritating limitation, it dawned on me that maybe he had a twitter with the same unique username. I don’t know why I had never thought of this before because I usually try all avenues possible to stalk meet someone. Miraculously, he did have a twitter with that same username.

I wrote him a message, he wrote back, I wrote back, and that’s where it ended. I thought maybe it was a dead end, but then after awhile we started responding to each others’ tweets and shamelessly flirting back and forth.

After a few long twitter conversations, I messaged him my number so our conversations didn’t have to be so public. We began texting mid-July and it was still pretty casual even though we still flirted like teenagers.

———–

As I sit typing this, I just realized that I have a mapquest window open of the distance between us because I was curious to see what it looks like on a map. Across his entire state and halfway across mine. Bordering states, but nowhere close to the borders. Eight hours away, to be exact.

———–

Through our texting and tweeting, he eventually said that he was coming to my state for a family reunion (a week from when he told me). I suggested a twitter meet-up and he said he was “so down.” He was going to be here from a Thursday to Monday, but ended up staying until Wednesday. He originally had said that Thursday was probably going to be our best bet but that fell through, so Friday the 3rd it was.

Before meeting him, I was really nervous about how it going to go. Someone can know a lot about me from my (personal) twitter (way more than facebook), so would we have anything to talk about? Up until he walked out to my car (he was staying in a different city a half hour away and didn’t drive here), I had never even heard his voice. All I knew about him was from little pictures on an app, 140 characters of what he wanted to say about himself and to me, and texting. It basically felt like a blind date with a lot of built up anticipation and a general knowledge and expecation of who the person was going to be.

I drove to where he was staying pretty late at night because they were having a family dance until midnight, and he came out to the car and got in. We joked about how we’re actually real people and then tried to figure out something to do. He said it was my state so I should know, but I argued that it was a completely different city. I told him I had passed a park on the way there that we could go to so we set off for that down the road.

The park actually ended up being a junior high, so we decided to just set out a blanket on the lawn. The lawn was wet from sprinklers, so he suggested walking around to the back in case there were bleachers somewhere. [I'm not gonna lie, right around this point I was slightly nervous he was an ax murderer and wondering what on earth I had gotten myself into, but knew he was a good person so was trying to push down my paranoia as we headed around the side of the school.]

From his online/texting persona and humor, I figured he would be the outgoing, smooth, funny type but he was actually a lot more mellow and quiet than I imagined. He was more like me.

There was a big open field in the back, and no bleachers in sight. Across the entire back field, there was a fence bordering the end, with what appeared to be a little one-row bleacher right up against it. The grass back there was wet too, so I joked that it better be a bench or me and my shoes were not gonna be happy. Luckily for him and my soaked flats, it was.

We sat down next to each other and put the blankets over us, as it was a chilly night. The moon was full and lit up the whole field in front of us. I have always loved full moons so that alone already created quite the magical feeling, but it was made better having an attractive guy there. We started talking general information, but then went deeper about ourselves, our lives, and our past loves. We talked about our personal principles, likes, and dislikes. He told me of a girl he recently dated that broke his heart, and I told him about the Fighter and Shy Guy and why they didn’t work out. We talked and laughed about our families, what we wanted out of life, our fears and little quirks, and the types of people we wanted to end up with.

For five hours straight.

We started off sitting next to each other, then either because of the cold or the comfort level, ended up getting closer and closer. Somehow we moved closer under the blankets, he put his arm around me, I leaned more into him, and before we knew it we were cuddled up in the blanket, staring at the moon and the field it lit up in front of us, and talking quietly in the silence of the night.

I felt completely comfortable with him and all my previous fears about the situation and meeting him had vanished. Our views on almost everything were very similar (he even loves country, score!), and I kept thinking to myself that for once, I met someone that had all the basic qualities and personality traits I would want in someone I dated.

We watched the moon go from being behind us to the left, all the way to the other side of the field, and before we knew it, we were watching the sunrise.

Some time around eight in the morning, we decided we should probably start to head back. We finally stood up and stretched out our stiffness from sitting in the cold for so long and began hugging each other long and tight, as if it were the last time we’d ever see each other. Knowing full well that maybe it would be.

With my face buried in his chest and almost his neck, he leaned down and with our faces so close, we started kissing. We held each other close and kissed for a long time back in our nook of the shaded open area. On the other other side of the fence and behind the bushes, the man that lived there started mowing his lawn and a couple kids had come to practice soccer further out into the field.

We made the trek back over the damp grass towards the school, this time with his arms around me, me kissing said arms, and both of us smiling at each other like we went to that junior high.

I dropped him off and drove the half hour home at 9:30 in the morning, with the words of “Enchanted” repeating in my mind and not knowing what would happen from that night-turned-day forward.

This night is sparkling, don’t you let it go
I’m wonder-struck, blushing all the way home
I’ll spend forever wondering if you knew
I was enchanted to meet you

-Taylor Swift

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Don’t You Wanna Stay?

I had met this guy a long time ago. We always saw each other at dances and he would jokingly try and dance with me and would always make comments about my booty figure. {Did I mention I have a huge one? Because I do…}

Annnyways, he was young as they always are, albeit really attractive. He even got my number one night and texted me awhile later but I didn’t respond. That might’ve been a little harsh but I could tell he was a little too crazy for me and definitely a lot too young. After that he moved to Cali and I didn’t see him for a long time.

Fast forward a couple years after that. I would sometimes go hang out at different types of gatherings with different groups of guys. One guy in particular that I was friends with would always invite me over to hang out with the guys. I had no interest in him whatsoever, but I’d go to hang out and see who else was there. (Does that make me a bad person??)

He invited me over one night to up to his house and lo and behold, there is that boy that I used to see, but he is now more grown up and sexy as ever.

After he had convinced me to play with his hair for awhile and the sexual tension had built up to a boiling point, in a moment of complete spontaneity he told me to meet him in the bathroom in five and got up and left… so after a couple minutes, I followed.

Cue HOT makeout sesh. He finally got his hands on my booty he had admired for so long, I was pressed up on the sink, and it was probably the hottest makeout ever (and I’ve had a lot). He thought it was gonna go all the way but I don’t get down like that (I wish) so it only lasted about ten minutes, and we went back out.

I didn’t see him or talk to him after that for another two years (but had added him on Facebook after a couple months), until last fall (during the Shy Guy era),  when I saw him at a reggae concert. We said hi and he wrote on my fb wall afterwards and just said good to see you. At the time, I was all-in with Shy Guy and was worried about what he would think seeing it on there so I just kept it casual in my response. From what I could tell, this guy (I jokingly call him Moo so that’s what I’ll just call him here) had changed his life around and seemed like a really good guy now, so it kinda killed me inside that I couldn’t respond the way I wanted to when there was that chance.

After Shy Guy ended, the Hawaiian entered pretty quick so I was stuck in that one for a couple months. Once that one ended too, I messaged Moo a couple weeks later on the off-chance that it could maybe finally work out. He messaged back right away, got my number again, and we texted from there.

A week later, we were making out in a parking lot outside of a dance, joking about that time two years earlier.

That was at the beginning of March and we’ve been hanging out ever since.

This relationship with Moo has been more of a booty call type (no pun intended) because all along, we’ve both known that he’s going to be leaving soon. As in, right now as I type this, three weeks from today.

He’s 21. The same age as the Hawaiian, but is so much more mature and experienced. We click physically and mentally in a way that works and is perfect. We have the same style of romance and humor and we just get each other. We’ll be passionate one moment and then talking and laughing the next.

The thing I like about Moo, is that even though we both know that it’s just for fun and probably isn’t gonna ever work out, when we hang out he treats it like we’re dating and like he adores me. He’s a smooth talker but I know that he’s being genuine. The last time we pulled an all-nighter hung out he asked if I’ve ever met a guy’s family (The Fighter was the only one) and casually mentioned that it’d cool if he met my dad. He made the comment “gosh just have my babies already… think how cute they’d be with my color and your blue eyes.” He asked if I thought I’d be single by the time he gets back in a few years… and I replied that honestly I hope not, but if I’m not then I’m all his. He joked back that even I’m married he’s comin for me, especially if it’s a white guy haha.

It’s sad that all of this adds up to nothing because I really like Moo and he’s adorable and sexy. Let’s pray that I’m not STILL single by then, but it’s nice to have a back-up I guess, and it’s been fun while it lasted. I’m really gonna miss him and even back in March I said I was already depressed he was leaving.

Now that he is leaving, I’m feeling the pressure of finding someone to actually date. I will officially have no more options after he leaves so it’s back to the single drawing-board-of-crap I go. In three weeks, of course.

Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
Don’t you wanna hold each other tight?
Don’t you wanna fall asleep with me tonight?
Don’t you wanna stay here a little while?
We can make forever feel this way
Don’t you wanna stay?
-Jason Aldean and Kelly Clarkson

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Gotta Be Somethin More

I keep writing posts about certain things, but then they don’t seem big enough on their own to devote an entire post to so I either don’t finish or don’t publish them.

Truth is, in real life, I’m a very private person. (Ie: my Facebook and Twitter are still private and I never add people I don’t know). My circle of friends (5 other girls) are the people that know the most about me and even then, most times they don’t know full details.

As a classically shy person when I was younger, it’s hard for me to open up to and talk to people that I don’t know. People always comment on how “quiet” I am, and I’m aware of that. I have a quiet voice/personality but I’m not necessarily a shy person, just quiet until I know you. It just takes time for me to be comfortable, and I like to observe my surroundings and people. Because I know that  I’m like this though, I do try to make a conscious effort to even speak up and talk to people. Within my group of friends I’m perfectly fine and apparently they like me and think I’m funny enough to keep me around (even though I always wonder why they do), but my friends are all pretty loud people. I’m fine around them because they know me, but with new people I do a lot better in one-on-one settings of getting to know someone. It’s hard for me to stand out in a group of more than 2 or 3 people, and truly open up to people period.

Anyways, that was a long-winded way of saying: it’s hard for me to open up on here and spill my guts when this blog isn’t private and I don’t really know you guys (even though I feel like I do). I hate private blogs so I’d probably never do that, but it’s more the fact that I have no control over who reads what I say or if it ended up being someone that knows me. I still continue to read your blogs though (perfect example of me being an observer) so don’t think that all is lost.

That being said as my disclaimer as to “why I suck at blogging,” here is an update of what’s going on in life right now.

  • Me and three of my friends went on a week-long cruise to Cabo San Lucas and Puerto Vallarta a month ago. It was my first cruise and it was so fun! Cruises are definitely a good way to travel. (Also secretly when I was writing down things on New Years that I wanted to do this year, going on a cruise was one of them!)
  • Fun fact about the cruise: I hadn’t kissed a white guy in at least 5 years and definitely broke the white guy drought. Realized I wasn’t missing much, but at least I’ve still got it. Good times.
  • I’ve been feeling overall blah on life lately. I don’t know where to live, if I should move to a different city, where to work, what to do with my life, and being single is getting really really old. I just want to get married as a get-out-of-jail free card so I don’t have to make any life decisions for myself any more.
  • I’ve worked at my current job for 7 years. Think about that people, I started working here when I was 19. 2 years in the call center and 5 in the retail store. I have insurance, benefits, a 401K, gym membership, free products, yearly health screenings, and get paid pretty decently to mostly sit here until someone comes in. I’m so blessed and grateful to have this job and work at this amazing company. It’s a pretty nice set-up but like I said, I’ve just been feeling the need for something more lately. The internal battle between comfortable and a new challene rages on because I don’t usually like change.
  • In my job search quest, I’ve come across a huge problem. I don’t know what “career” I want to have or what I want to do with my life. My degree was in psychology and I feel like it’s so broad and not a marketable direct skill. Should I go the human resource route, work with troubled teens, get into banking or something medical related? Work at a law office somehow? I don’t even know! I don’t necessarily want to be a psychologist or anything like that, more-so just want to apply my degree to a promising field. The question is just which one.
  • That said, I’ve had a couple interviews and second interviews, and on Tuesday I have a (second) “paid working interview” at a high end dentist office. I like the idea of doing medical billing and coding so we’ll see how that goes, and if it goes well also see if I’m ready to make the jump. It’s a hard balance of feeling confident and not getting my hopes up.
  • The only guy I’ve been hanging out with is leaving in a couple weeks for a long time and I won’t have contact. I’ve thought about writing a post about him, but it seems kinda pointless if he’s not even a real option (although he could be if he was staying). Maybe I will because it’s actually a funny story (and because I have the draft still), but maybe I won’t if I continue to suck at blogging haha.
  • Even though he’s the only one I’m actually seeing on a regular basis, I feel like I’m constantly trying to work plans and talk to new people and they just never work out. How is it so easy for regular people to even meet people, let alone date and marry these people?? And where are people hiding period? It’s seriously beyond me.
  • School, work, or living situation. I feel like I have to change one of those things to be able to meet new people. I feel stuck in a rut and like I just want a whole new playing field and change of scenery. One of them has to change soon enough right? I’m determined to not just coast by and to make good things happen.

Obviously I’m having a quarter-life crisis and I apologize for my scatter-brained thoughts. Does anyone want to just decide my life for me? Seriously though, let me know.

There’s gotta be something more
Gotta be more than this
I need a little less hard time I need a little more bliss
I’m gonna take my chances

Take any chance I might
Find what I’m looking for
There’s gotta be something more
-Sugarland

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There Goes My Life

Life has been crazy the past month. It seems like I’m constantly rushing and going straight to the next place or thing with my friends, staying up till all hours of the night, not getting any sleep, and then waking up and doing it all over again.

Although I graduated from college in December, my graduation ceremonies were a couple weeks ago. I’ve always heard a lot of people say they didn’t want to go to theirs but I’m so glad that I did. It brought so much closure on this chapter of my life and was such an amazing experience. With how long it’s taken and doing it all on my own- while living on my own and working full time- it was nice to celebrate the accomplishment.

My parents are divorced. My brother just below me is married and lives in the bottom part of the state, and my youngest brother lives with my mom but works a lot. It’s very rare that my family is ALL together, and even if we are we’re usually not all sitting together because of my parents (even though they get along for the most part it’s just uncomfortable more than anything).

Middle brother’s wedding last year was one of the few times I remember us all being together.

Middle brother took the day off work and drove four hours to get here and everyone else got work off as well. I had to line up with the other flocks of graduates in the parking lot for processional, so middle brother and I walked around campus until it was time and my dad went to go find parking and get seats. My mom and youngest brother drove separate and youngest brother texted me where they were sitting, in section E.

I walked through the corridors surrounded by so many other students who worked so hard to graduate like myself. So many people in the arena cheering, and the organ music booming the graduation music. Once inside, I looked up towards section E and saw all four of my family members, together, scouring the crowd trying to find me in the sea of caps and gowns. I had assumed they were going to be in different places, but there they were, all in a row. The four people in this world that matter the most to me.

I could see them but they couldn’t see me for a little bit and looking up and seeing them all literally almost brought tears to my eyes. Once they saw me (after multiple text messages and me standing and waving like a fool) I got texts like this: “Haha you are so cute!! Seriously!! So sooooo proud!”, “Congrats!!!! I’m so grateful for you! You look good in blue :)”, “Yes I did cry again when you came in! This is so FUN. Love you!”, and youngest brother again telling me that both of my parents were crying (haha) which they continued to do afterwards when we all met up.

It truly was worth paying for a cap and gown and walking a million times over just for this memory of my family and being able to feel how much their love and support means to me.

_________________

Last Friday, I went to a different graduation.

About two years ago, (I’m 26 now, mind you) my mom dropped a bomb on us that she had previously never breathed a word about.

“I had a baby… that was adopted, who has recently contacted me.”

When she was 18, her mom had dropped her off at a college in another state, with little knowledge of the outside world. Her father had died when she was 8 years old and this had caused a lot of issues and confusion in her life. She met a guy and ultimately got pregnant. The relationship wasn’t a healthy one, so her mom came and picked her up, brought her home, and she never told the guy about the pregnancy. Her best friend’s (and my namesake’s) mom knew a couple that was looking to adopt so she trusted her word and had faith that his life would be better than what she could give him. She knew she (or the boy) would always be able to go through that connection to find each other if they wanted.

Once he made contact with her, they started corresponding via email and she felt like it was time to finally tell us. He was five years older than me, had grown up in our same town, and even went to my same high school. He had a good life, was a good person, and was married and had 3 kids now.

We had only met in person one time close to when we found out, but him and his wife added me on Facebook (yay Facebook!) and we’ve written on there. They are both lovely people and have an adorable little family (apparently I have nieces and a nephew ha).

On Friday, my mom and I went to his graduation with a bachelor in emergency management, where I met all of his family. His parents struggled with infertility and were never able to have children of their own, so along with him, his two siblings are adopted as well. My half brother also legally adopted his brother’s first daughter (kinda gets confusing) as he was not able to take care of her. His parents were so welcoming and open in a situation where they could’ve felt awkward. Instead they have cultivated an amazing family where everyone is family no matter what, and the kind of people that you just instantly feel loved by.

As we were driving in the car on the way to his family’s house after, my mom and I were talking about how nice they were and she started telling me a story that I almost tuned out because my mom does that a lot, but the point of this one was an incredible thought. She went on to say (summarized in my words):

“I heard a story one time about how there were these two men that were friends in heaven and were learning about what their lives would be when they got here. Both of them learned that they were going to be very successful, one would be a lawyer and one a businessman, and they both would be very wealthy and have nice lives. When the second friend heard he would have a successful life like his friend, he immediately decided to give up that fate and be a homeless man that his lawyer friend would see every day on the way to work. He did this so that his friend would see him, and be more willing to help other people and be more compassionate in giving to and helping other people out.”

I thought that that was the end of the story but she then related it to how when she heard that story, she thought of my half brother’s adoptive mom. My mom felt like maybe they were friends in heaven, and that this woman knew that my mom was going to have struggles (mostly related to her dad dying) and chose to give up her ideal, and struggle with infertility, in order to be the person to help my mom during that time, as well as the children she adopted and their birth parents. Once she put it in that perspective, the story made more sense.

There are people that come into our lives for a reason, and maybe for more reasons than we even know.

All of a sudden, I feel like I have more extended family and more people to love and be loved by, as I’m sure is how he and his family feel too.

My family, his family, people that are your family whether they’re blood or not. Isn’t that what life is all about?

There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything

-Kenny Chesney

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Just when I thought I’d found it…

So, update on that Hawaiian boy (emphasis on boy, as per usual).

We had been going out pretty consistently. We even had a Valentine’s date (which I have never had in all of my life), where he made banana pancakes for breakfast, and then had flowers and a card waiting at my apt when I got home from work. It was really sweet and adorable, I’ll give it to him.

We both got busy there for a bit, I took a week-long course to be court certified to do mediations, and he has school, but we still made time to do actual dates, which is more than I can say for some of the other guys.

We had a couple deep conversations- the kind that I love- where we talked about our lives and who we are and what we want. We both want the same things, and he’s basically everything I would want in the person that I eventually end up with.

He’s determined, passionate, motivated, honest, and caring. He’s a leader not a follower. He can’t wait to have kids some day. [I personally am terrified of having kids but I liked that he's the type that's excited about it to balance it out]. He has goals and is set on achieving them. Most of all, he is a genuinely good guy, which is really what I want.

There was a Sunday that we had hung out and it was really fun and went well. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he’s so young AND wanted to date AND I wasn’t sure about that AND is just so gosh dang perfect. As the week went by and I realized that I was kindof missing him… could it be? Could I maybe like him a little more than I thought? Could I actually be considering this as an actual option??

We went out again that weekend and after the week of considering it, I had let my guard down a little. He mentioned some girl in his hawaiian dance class and another one at his complex that were cute that he thought liked him. I wasn’t liking it, and wondered again “am I actually getting slightly jealous right now…?”

Later that night, we had a talk and he said we should keep dating, but date other people too.

I was originally a little upset, mostly because I felt like my uncertainty with him had turned him into this person… but the next day I felt so much better and so much more free.

In a subsequent talk a couple days later, I told him that if we were gonna date other people, then we were just gonna be friends and that it wasn’t going to be a booty call, and he agreed.

The next time we were together, Stylist came over to my apartment halfway through and chapperoned hung out with us, so we did good on that agreement.

That was the last time I saw him, two weeks ago, and now I’m pretty sure it’s over for good.

I had told him that my concern with just being friends is that I would put him in the friend zone and not think of him as anything else. He had said he disagreed and that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

After not hearing from him for a week, I texted him, and in his response, he “casually” said he had been busy studying and “trying to meet girls.” Nice, thanks for throwing that in, douche. I can take a hint, but you don’t need to play stupid games when I’m 26 years old. I told him he could just be straight up and not have to drop hints, and he never responded. And still hasn’t. Really showed his age/immaturity there.

Here’s the thing: I had slowly succombed to the idea of him, but never fully him.

That fact alone has made this whole thing a piece of cake. I don’t feel hurt or upset, or anything really. Annoyed at how it went down, yes. Sad about another failed relationship, yes. Sad about losing him? No.

Call me vain, but the attraction was just never fully there for me. He didn’t have that spark, that attitude, that thing I had with The Fighter and Shy Guy. I’m used to big guys (Shy Guy is 6’3 and probably 260 for heck’s sake- HOT), and The Hawaiian was barely taller than me and not that much bigger. He was definitely strong, but I think the height combined with the age and maturity level just made me feel so much older than him, and it was hard to ever break through that barrier. I would’ve tried just because he was such a great guy, but it was still hard.

I hate when things end badly, and this definitely left a sour taste in my mouth. I always tell guys whenever I get the chance, that girls just want some type of closure. I’m perfectly fine that this is over, but I mostly just want to know what made him make that decision so abruptly. As a girl, it’s hard not to go over every little thing in your brain and wonder if there was another girl or if you did or said something wrong that made him change his mind.

Mostly right now, I just feel pretty meh, blah, and over it. On to the next. To the left. I think that this minor (still playing on words) relationship has been pretty significant in the sense that I feel like it’s guiding me to the right one. Although I never truly fell for The Hawaiian himself, there were a lot of things I liked about the person that he was, and a lot of things I would want in a future someone. It was a good experience for me to see that, and also to see how I should be treated. And for that, I am grateful.

In the circles I’ve been running,
I’ve covered many miles,
And I could search forever for what’s right before my eyes.
Just when I thought I’d found it,
It was nothing like I’d planned,
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands

-Carrie Underwood

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We Danced

The night started off slow.

Ice cream was in order.

They went to Baskin Robbins, and coincidentally ended up sitting in the very seats that she had sat in almost a year and a half ago, on a date with a guy that this one reminded her of.

Although he was from Hawaii, he knew Spanish. She always wished she could speak Spanish because she could understand a lot of it but not speak it adequately enough to carry on a conversation. She told him to tell her stories in Spanish while she tried to figure out what they were, laughing at her own inability while he patiently spoke and then would teach her what the words were in English.

At closing time, they tried to think of what else they could do in this town where movies seem to be the only option during the colder months. Both of them were the types to want to do something more exciting than let a night go to waste on that. He asked if the Christmas lights at an outdoor mall were still up, and because she works close to them, she knew they were.

He parked the car and they got out to walk around. Neither of them had been here but had wanted to go. Stepping onto the cobblestone walkway between the shops, she thought to herself that it felt like she was stepping into a movie. It felt like The Notebook when Noah and Allie walked along the sidewalk together and laid in the street. Later it would feel more like A Cinderella Story.

Lights were strung across the walkway overhead, which seemed to close the cold air into a cozy and romantic setting. They both commented how amazing it was as they looked into the sky, huddled closely to each other as they kept walking. Not a soul was in sight in this quaint little deserted town they had stepped into. 

The Hawaiian discovered a tall fountain with running water, that doubled as a wishing well with coins in it. He said he wished he had some so they could make a wish and then excitedly remembered that he did have some leftover from the ice cream earlier. He got out two pennies and said that they had to turn around, make a wish, and throw them over their shoulders. She giggled at his charm, loving the fact that he was spontaneous and silly. With their backs to the fountain and at the count of three, they threw their coins and turned around after, probably wondering what the other had wished and if it was the same wish. They hugged and started kissing at the wishing well of their private street for the night.

Her nose was cold on his cheeks. She wondered if she was feeling butterflies kissing him or if it was just shivering from the cold. As she kissed him she felt her guard slipping into that newly familiar feeling that she could maybe like him. She realized she was kissing him differently than even two days previously, with slightly more feeling behind it this time. An outward manifestation of her subconscious losing its will.

They stood hugging in the cold and then he saw the darkened gazebo further down, in the center of the shops and walkway. He said they had to check it out and that they should dance in it or something. She joked that now he could show her his slow dancing skills that he had previously boasted about.

When they got up to the gazebo, he grabbed her hands and twirled her into their starting dance position. She laughed again, as she wasn’t used to guys doing stuff like this, yet had always wanted to. He said that since there was no music, he would just have to provide it. Then she suggested that she could bring a song up on her phone. He replied enthusiastically “Oh yeah! Ok play a country love song since you say those are the best kind.”

She quickly thought to herself which song she should pick… there were so many options but she didn’t want anything that would be too scary for her in this situation. She thought about the song “Then” by Brad Paisley because it’s adorable, but realized that one was too much about love and it was too soon. Then, she had it.

While she brought it up on her phone she told him the song and he said he didn’t think he knew it.

The music started and he pulled her in close to start dancing. The first lines of another Brad Paisley song sifted across the cold night air comfortably, and were perfectly clear under the echo of the gazebo.

“… The bar was empty… I was sweepin up the floor. That’s when she walked in, I said ‘I’m sorry but we’re closed’…”

He mentioned under his breath that he did in fact know this song and loved it. He sang the words in a quiet whisper and went in and out of singing and humming the words in her ear while they danced.

She closed her eyes while he hummed and they swayed to the steel guitar. For those 3 minutes and 39 seconds she tried to lose herself in this moment. Considering the idea that just maybe she could let herself like him or even date him. The panic of the situation could set in later, but for that small window of time, she let herself go.

I can’t explain what happened on that floor.

And we danced
Out there on that empty hardwood floor
The chairs up and the lights turned way down low
The music played, we held each other close
And we danced

-Brad Paisley

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