Truth: I have never had a real, legitimate, serious boyfriend.
Why is this, people ask? (people should never ask that question to a single person). There are many reasons which I’m sure will be analyzed at some point, but mostly I started down the “player” road and have slowly been working my way into trying to have normal relationships. I’ve kissed my fair share of frogs, and there’ve been some guys I would say I’ve somewhat dated, but never officially this-is-my-boyfriend status.
Initially it started out all in fun. It was easy to kiss guys and not worry about dating or what the expectations of either person were. I would jump the gun on getting physical way too soon (or they would and I was ok with it), have 3 different options of guys at the same time, and played the game like a pro. Almost like a drinker that drinks all the time and thinks it’s so awesome and fun, without realizing the underlying reasons of why they’re doing it until it’s too late. By then it’s turned into full blown alcoholism. So has become my plight with being an ex-player.
Since I enjoy trying to figure other people out, I then became introspective and tried to understand why I do the things I do. One of my friends and I always say that it’s so much easier to just not care. Not care about the person, not care about the actions, not care about feelings and basically becoming numb to them. Once I realized this had happened to me, I became more consciously aware of what I was doing and started trying to make changes and figure out why.
Combined with the not-wanting-to-care attitude, I feel like I more so did it to feel like I had SOME sort of option, or someone to keep me from feeling completely and utterly single. I have a theory that every person deals with being single differently. Some people drink or party, some people are players, some people watch movies, some people shop (I definitely do that sometimes), some guys (or maybe girls even) play video games, all in the name of filling up life with things to drown out the quiet and loneliness of being single.
Now that I have had this realization, combined with the experience of my last and most realest (I know, sue me) “relationship” I feel like I’ve come out of the woods and am finally in a good place. I feel completely inadequate at trying to have a functional relationship but I’m sure as hell gonna be trying from now on.