As previously mentioned, I’ve never been fully commited to one person for an extended period of time. I liked not being tied down and liked the guys not getting too attached.
That is, until the last guy came around. I shall call him The Fighter since he liked to do MMA types of workouts and trainings (not because he was an arguer or physical fighter with me in any sort of way- and yes he had a bangin bod).
The Fighter from the get-go was not my typical type of guy at all. First off, we met at a bar that was having a concert that night and he was drunk, which I don’t like. He’s more skinny than most of the guys I’ve ever hung out with but he’s very cut and in shape. Secondly, he was wearing hoop earrings and might’ve had hightlights in his hair… (gross, I know) wearing tighter jeans, the whole works. But when he asked for my number so boyishly cute I gave it to him.
The first night we hung out I was obviously not expecting anything at all. We went to a movie and then ended up kissing afterwards (typical old me). From then on it became a whirlwind of hanging out, talking on the phone all night long about everything and nothing, long emails back and forth, and after two months he dropped the L-word.
I have never ever heard the L-word from a guy, or said it to a guy myself so it was basically terrifying to hear it for the first time, mostly because we weren’t “technically” even dating and because it was so soon. Aside from that it was the most real-feeling “relationship” I’ve ever had. We talked about we wanted, told each other stories and things we hadn’t to anyone else, and genuinely cared so much and felt so strongly about each other.
Everything would’ve been going perfectly fine, except that Fighter and I had very different opinions on different things relating to relationships and what we believe as far as our church views. It turned into the classic situation shown in books and movies where two people care about each other so much and want to be together, but for one reason or another just cannot be and it can’t work.
The crappiest part about this situation is that it played on my biggest desire. I want to have a boyfriend and love someone that much and have them feel the same. And he did. He thought and said I was beautiful instead of hot, and looking in his eyes I felt beautiful, he thought it was cute when I cried, wanted to be exclusive, wanted to do dating type of activities, loved little things about me that no one else would’ve even noticed and so much more. I loved so many little things about him too and it still hurts thinking about how amazing it really was. We were so emotionally attached and bonded that it felt like we knew each other’s hearts inside out.
The last time we saw each other was about two months ago, and just about a week ago- we said our final goodbyes via text. It’s easier that way to not hear each other’s voices. Figher was really big on honesty and exclusively dating the one you’re with, so for the first time ever I didn’t kiss any other guys the entire time I hung out with him… which ended up being a grand total of about eight months. We basically treated it like we were dating without the title, so for me, I fell pretty hard and the “break-up” was equally as hard.
My only saving grace is that I know it wouldn’t work. WE know it wouldn’t work (for now and for a long time anyways). We will always be there for each other and always always care about each other. Taking it for what it’s worth, I learned so much from him about myself and about relationships and I’m so grateful for what he and the experience taught me.
I feel like my bad memory is my heart’s best friend because after awhile, my brain completely tricks me into feeling like it never even happened in the first place. It becomes harder and harder to recall details and feelings and it all becomes one big blur of an event that feels make-believe. Hopefully this happens to other people? I keep thinking of (and listening to on repeat) the Blackhawk song “Almost a Memory Now,” which is how I feel about the Fighter. He’s almost a memory and I’m gettin a little bit stronger.
And I’m done hoping that we can work it out,
I’m done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around.
I’m done thinking, that you could ever change.
I know my heart will never be the same,
but I’m telling myself I’ll be okay.
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger.