What do you want from me?

I think Jerrod Niemann’s song “What Do You Want” is one of the best modern country songs there is. I love country songs that make you think or remind you of strong feelings you have or had for someone (I’m a sucker for sappy break-up songs anyways). If you don’t look up any other country song I ever talk about, look up this one. I think every person can either sympathize with being the one asking or feeling like “what do you want from me?” or the being the person that this question is being asked to.

Although the context of the song is slightly different, The Fighter asked me this very question the other night when we met up to talk after not seeing each other for two months. “What do you want from me?” he asked in a low quiet voice, and my answer was simply “I don’t know.”

He had said he wanted to talk and that he’s never said how he honestly feels about us. When we finally started talking about it, his main point was that he thinks our relationship is headed down the same road it was with his ex. She had wanted him to change and be a better person. I want that too. The difference I tried to explain to him is that she wants it for the show of other people, so she would look better in their eyes or so he would. I want him to be better because I want that in someone I date, and I think he would be happier in the long run. He thinks you should love someone for how they are and believe that they would change, which I can understand but can’t necessarily put my trust in.

It’s complicated for me to talk about what I know and believe as far as religion. I never want to come across like I’m being judgemental or self-righteous because in all reality, it’s the farthest thing from that. I love people for people and for how they are as an individual. Just because I personally wouldn’t do something doesn’t mean I care if other people do at all. Yet, I would want someone I date to believe the same things. Not for other people or because others have told them they should, but for themselves. Is this asking too much? (Seriously I would love opinions). I feel like it’s such a big part of the person I am that it would be better if we had the same type of core beliefs and it’s not something that I am willing to compromise on. This conversation lasted a good two hours or more with plenty of tears and many other issues brought up on the side, but in the end he thanked me for saying it and said he likes hearing my opinions on things like that.

I’m a black and white type of person with most things like this and I don’t like the gray area. Either you believe something or you don’t, you’re in or you’re out. Obviously people are human and no one’s perfect, but if you believe it, it should be important to strive for harmony between your beliefs and actions. I jokingly told him that he likes to hang out in the gray area and he laughed and agreed and said it’s nice there. But him being there puts US in the gray area.

Back to how The Fighter also wasn’t my original type? That’s part of it. It sucks with this situation because everything else is there for us. I think we could be the type of couple that were each others’ best friends, confidants, and supporters. After talking for a long time outside we went in and he cooked up some food at 2 in the morning. We sat on the kitchen counter and just talked and laughed. He could tell I was tired (see: emotionally drained) so we cuddled up on the couch and tried to sleep a little before I had to go home (he’s staying at his sister’s house until he decides if or when he’s moving). Emotionally, physcially, mentally, everything else is there. The one thing lacking is spirituality, and for me, that’s probably one of the most important.

So what do I want with The Fighter? I still don’t really know. I think about this question every day. In a perfect world, he would want to change and be a better person for himself and we would grow together as a couple, get married and live happily ever after. I’m not dumb enough to know that people don’t change unless they want to, and that most of the time it’s fruitless to try and wait. This whole situation hangs in the balance of him, I feel like. He said he needed time to think about what he wants and figure things out and that’s perfectly fine.

That’s where everything stands right now, at a stand still. A Mexican Standoff. A stalemate of confusion. It would take a lot of work and I’m not quite sure it would even be worth it in the end for either of us because we are so different. It goes in circles every time we talk and then it hurts hanging up and not seeing or hearing from him at the same time. Only time will tell on this one kids.

Now tell me, what do you want? What do you want? What do you want from me?
Are you tryin’ to bring back the tears or just the memories?
You keep takin’ me back, takin’ me back where I’ve already been.
When we hang up it’s almost like I’m losing you again.
Can’t you see? So what do you want, what do you want from me?

-Jerrod Niemann

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