Who are you when I’m not lookin’?

As I’ve mentioned briefly before, one of my favorite things about getting to know anyone, especially guys, are the little things they do, love, say, how they are, and little quirks about them that make them who they are. Because I love coming to know things like this, when I’m with someone I constantly notice and appreciate the little things.

When one of my brothers was dating one of his exes, him and the girl had both written in a notebook a long list of little things they loved about each other. My dad and I thought it was adorable because the things that she wrote about him were intimate things that no one would recognize about him unless they knew him really well. I loved the idea and sent farewell emails to The Fighter (two months ago) and one of the other guys I “somewhat dated” (more on him in a different post I’m sure) full of things like this that I loved about them and our time together, kinda reminiscent of Brad Paisley’s “Little Moments.” The Fighter’s list was obviously way longer since I cared about him more, but it was fun writing it out and remembering the good things, and he said it meant a lot too.

What’s really frustrating is when you meet someone that won’t let you in enough to even get to know the little things. Enter, Shy Guy. Shy Guy and I hung out two years ago, and I thought it was going to turn into a dating relationship. I would’ve dated him back then. He was everything that I looked for in guys and actually even knew my dad and brother. During the first couple weeks we hung out almost every day, he would talk about future plans, hold my hand and say nice things. Things quickly changed, although it was slowly realized by me. The texts response times became longer, he avoided hanging out, and when we did it was only late at night, basically for the purpose of a booty call. This lasted for probably a good 4-6 months before I finally realized it and told him I wasn’t going to have it be like that with him.

After coming out of the clouds and looking back on the situation, it’s so clear that back then I thought I wanted that, but that maybe realistically I don’t. Shy Guy isn’t actually really that shy at all. He can talk and have a perfectly good conversation, and is funny and nice to people. The problem is that the conversation is only small talk types of information about how my day was, how a trip was, how the weather sucked, etc. Any time I would ask a personal question, he avoided it. Any time I asked something even as small as what type of music he liked, what he did in his spare time, what type of girls he liked, how he felt about something? He was neutral. If something came to a choice of where to go or what movie to see? Always up to me (which is the worst idea ever because I’m so indecisive). I couldn’t quite place what it was with him that annoyed me so much until I heard the perfect word to describe it: passive. He was so passive and I like guys that take charge and know who they are and what they want. He was a classic people pleaser and seemed to just prefer to go along with what other people wanted. I want someone that has their own thoughts and opinions and I love hearing them.

After “dating” The Fighter, who was so honest and open from the get-go, I find it so interesting to see how different they are. Shy Guy looks perfect on paper, yet in real life was wasn’t very exciting. Looking back, there were no good or deep conversations and I still feel like I don’t really even know him. The Fighter maybe doesn’t look as good on paper, yet was the most open, honest, kind-hearted guy I’ve dated up until now. That type of relationship is what I thrive on. Not small talk.

Shy Guy has recently tried his hand at round two. It started with him adding me on Facebook, waiting a month, chatting me saying that we should go to lunch, and then proceeding to bail on lunch, postponing to dinner, and bailing on said dinner. Family stuff was the go-to reason before as well, because who can argue with that? Fine. After bailing he said he was text me later. Sure as shootin’ he texts me at 11:30 (always his favorite time). Old me would’ve asked what he was doing and said he could come over (oh how foolish I was), which is exactly what he was looking for. When the convo turned to small talk via text (one of my biggest pet peeves) I said I was going to bed.

A week later I saw him at a restaurant, where he said we still needed to go to lunch. Texted me at 11:30 again that night asking how dinner was and I ended that conversation too (small victories in my world). Two weeks later (this past weekend) he texts me late and asks if I was at a movie because he thought he saw me. Classic line he used before to start up a booty call conversation, but now I recognize his little tricks. Texted me the next day and said we should go to lunch for real next week and asked if I had any fun weekend plans, and to let him know if there was anything happening (or not happening and I was available) which of course I didn’t. Texted me later that night since I didn’t-you guessed it, 11:30, and asked if Wednesday was okay.

See how boring that last paragraph is? It’s so funny to realize that I fell for all of his games two years ago. What it comes down to is that he plays games to begin with. In the end, he is a really nice guy and I definitely think he’s attractive (I even got all flustered when I saw him at the restaurant), but I’m not sure it could ever be that type of a relationship. It’s obvious that he still plays games but I wonder if maybe he could be more open this time around (IF lunch even happens). He plays it off like he’s nice and shy but in reality seems to know full well what he’s doing.

I’ll give him the decency of lunch and see how it goes, but part of me is nervous about even hanging out with him. I feel like I’m in recovery and can’t fully trust myself yet, and putting myself in a situation where I could easily give in is scary. Part of my brain always thinks I can handle it, but only up until recently has it been that I have actually consciously tried. Not to mention that we basically never hung out during daylight and I don’t know that we could hold a conversation for that long.

What say you, interwebs? Run for the hills and keep love lockdown (believe it or not I do like hip hop and rap also) or try and get him to open up somehow? Is there anything I can do to try and get him to or is this one a lost cause?

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