Don’t Close Your Eyes

Sitting all cozy on the couch in my dimmly lit apartment, the only noise besides our quiet talking was the slow R&B songs coming from the Pandora app playing on his phone.

Most of the time spent on the couch, my head was in his lap, or his in mine and we talked quietly about what has been and what is currently. Both of us let each other in just a little bit more… while avoiding eye contact at the tough parts, because it makes it easier that way.

After doing some fun late-night shopping and slow dancing in the kitchen (baby lock the door and turn the lights down low), that’s when the honesty started coming out, in what was the best conversation I’ve had with Shy Guy to date.

I said that I still couldn’t figure him out sometimes and he asked what I wanted to know. I told him I wanted to know the real him besides just surface things and how he really is. He talked more about himself, and then I asked what annoys him about girls and dating.

He said he doesn’t like girls that play games and girls that play with emotions by making someone think or feel a certain way but then they don’t. I was having an internal debate in my head if I should say it or not, but I finally said (after what felt like forever) that it seems like he is kinda like that, or has done that before. He agreed and said he used to be like that but he’s tried to work on it and be better at not doing that. I figured out that it’s the way he kisses (see: forehead kisses, etc.) that leads one (see: me) to think it’s going somewhere.

I said at one point that I feel so new to everything since I feel so fresh out of the past relationship. I mentioned how I feel like it completely changed my life, and he asked how long it’s been and how it did. I said that it was just so emotionally involved and that I’ve never cared for someone that much, or had them care about me or treat me as good as he did.

His next question was why it didn’t work. I told him that we both liked each other and wanted it to, but in the end we were too different in our beliefs and that I wasn’t willing to settle for that. He said that is how his parents started, his mom wasn’t going to deal so his dad promised his mom he would change and then did. He also said that he thinks I was right not to settle for that and that I don’t deserve that.

He then opened up about his dad’s passing- which is huge. It was a breakthrough night as far as being able to have a real conversation and being able to get closer to each other on a deeper level.

In one sense, I felt happy, content, and safe laying there with him and being in his arms dancing. In another, talking about The Fighter almost brought me to the point of tears. I fought it back but then in the silence could not stop thinking about how sad it made me and how different this is. It feels like I was just mourning the loss of the friendship and maybe even mourning the fact that I’m moving on from him. Mourning “what might have been,” and that’s ok right (right?!- just say yes)?

I told Shy Guy that he does seem different this time, and I like it. I’m more optimistic about him and he definitely seems more mature, more honest, and more open this time around. I’m trying not to get my hopes up like I did before but it’s becoming increasingly more difficult, all while trying to let the past be the past- with him and The Fighter.

Darling just once
Let yesterday go
You’ll find more love
than you’ve ever known
Just hold me tight
When you love me tonight
And don’t close your eyes

-Keith Whitley

{keith is one of my faves and I love this song.}

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One Response to Don’t Close Your Eyes

  1. Shannon says:

    Love this post…so real.

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