I don’t want to, if you don’t want to

Things have been going seemingly well with Shy Guy. Granted, it has only been a week and a half, but it seems to be headed in the right direction.

Late last night when I went to his work to say hi, we talked outside for awhile and kissed under the stars leaning against my car. I got him to talk some more and it even felt like a closeness barrier was broken as far as kissing him. The other times we’ve kissed, it felt weird to me that he wasn’t The Fighter, but this time, it felt good that it was him.

In The Before with him (the first go-around of us hanging out two years ago), the texting, talking, and hanging out consistently really only lasted a couple weeks. After that two-week mark, things slowed down and it turned into once a month and slowly fizzled into nothing but an afterthought.

In The Before, I thought it was going to lead to us dating. It slightly feels that way this time as well, but I don’t want to get my hopes up like last time. I still feel a little haunted by how it ended last time when I was younger, wondering what I did wrong or what happened. I feel on edge with him this time (actually, probably more on edge with myself being in this situation a SECOND time), not wanting to ruin anything or say the wrong things, all while trying to be open, honest, and not base it on what happened last time. We’re approaching the same amount of time as The Before, and I feel like a lot still needs to be said about that time and this time.

“I’ll text you tomorrow,” he said. I had a knee-jerk reaction in my brain, wanting to scream “Don’t say it if you don’t mean it! You don’t have to say it if you’re really not going to!” Instead I calmly fumbled the words out that he doesn’t have to say that if he’s not going to, and that he doesn’t have to begin with. Before, he would say things like that every time we hung out, even when it was down to once a month he said it and I knew full well he wouldn’t. I think to some people, saying things like that such as “I’ll call you later” or “I’ll talk to you tomorrow” are just casual forms of saying goodbye, and I found that out the hard way with him.

His response? “No I want to… we’ve talked every day, or just about every day I think haven’t we?” Yes, yes we have. When he said that, I realized that I think it’s important to him to show interest that way, even if it’s just to say hi- which I appreciate. It shows that he at least considers it a priority.

It’s hard for me not to expect it to be like The Before. He’s doing all the same things now that he did in The Before which led me to believe it was going somewhere. He seems different this time and definitely more mature, but a girl can’t help but freak out.

I do believe that I would want to date Shy Guy. The problem is that he doesn’t like making decisions, and I need decisions. The boy just does not like making any sort of decision or commitment. It’s still probably too early for decisions yet and there is another potential guy (not sure what to do on that one, post is forthcoming), but if he wants to, then I would want to.

School starts next week. This could potentially be a huge road block in any progress we have because he takes school very seriously. Maybe by this time next week, we will have made it last a week longer than Before, or maybe not.

We could keep things just the same
Leave here the way we came
with nothing to lose
But I don’t want to if you don’t want to

But I want to


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