When you find you…

Someone once told me that there are two types of people in the world: people that love music for the beats, and people that love music for the words. I am totally a words person and sometimes other songs that aren’t country (gasp!) are equally as telling and applicable to life. We interrupt our regular programming to bring you today’s post, and will be back shortly.

Back when I dated The Fighter, I told him that this song was like the plight I was eduring with him and our faux relationship. “When you find you, come back to me.” He had never heard the song (surprisingly.. it’s way overplayed, but then again my car radio station IS stuck on a channel that plays it all the time) so I emailed him a link to a video with the words and he liked it (albeit somewhat cheesy).

Ever since then, every time I hear that song it makes me think of him and curse the radio gods that be for playing it. Today he texted me and said something to the effect of that the song had come on the radio on his way to work, he was loving the song, hopes I have a beautiful day, and he’s thinking of me.

Ever since we’ve stopped hanging out, and even when we did, The Fighter usually was not the one to text me, but has responded if I’ve texted him. This occurence was definitely out of the norm.

I think he’s probably noticed a slow in the texts coming from me. Since I’ve been hanging out with Shy Guy, I don’t feel the need.

I don’t only think about The Fighter and what could have been.

In the context of that song, I don’t know now if I would want him to come back after he “finds” himself… I don’t want him to bank on that or assume I’ll be there for the coming back to.

I made the realization and was telling my roommates that each of these boys (The Fighter and Shy Guy) make the other seem miniscule or unimportant in different aspects. The Fighter makes Shy Guy seem small comparing the connection and emotion that I felt for him and how attached it was, yet Shy Guy makes The Fighter seem pointless in terms of the actual potential for it to go somewhere. There was always that block with The Fighter where I knew that we were different and I couldn’t fully give my all to him.

It feels like it’s too early to tell The Fighter about my new interest potential, especially since I don’t even know what it is. It feels too insincere to say something about it in a measley little text message, yet that is our only form of communication right now. I wouldn’t want to say it over the phone because that’s more heart crushing to have to hear it from someone you cared so deeply about, after getting excited to talk to them in the first place after it’s been so long.

The love that I had for The Fighter reminds me so much of Taylor Swift’s song “The Way I Loved You”- (‘screamin and fightin and kissin in the rain, it’s 2 am and I’m cursin your name, so in love that I acted insane, and that’s the way I loved you,’ anyone?), yet in the end that’s not the kind of love that I want.

Things are moving a lot slower with Shy Guy than they did with The Fighter, but time is what it eventually takes for me to love someone like that. I want things to develop and have the stability of a love like that.

Now that I’m out of that relationship with The Fighter and can take a step back, it’s easier to see the reasons why it wasn’t working (you know, those reasons that everyone else but you can see because you’re the one in it and therefore too close to it?).

I still am not sure where things are going with Shy Guy but it seems to be going good. I really hope I’m not setting myself up to get my heart broken with this one.

Even if it’s too soon to tell and it’s still in the awkward confusing stage, what I do know is that for right now, I don’t want The Fighter to come back to me.

So I’ll let you go, I’ll set you free
And when you’ve seen what you need to see
When you find you, come back to me

-David Cook

{all of the words of this song I did feel and mean at one time… now it just feel like a haunted hollow promise of what used to be.}

 

 

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