Yeah that came out a little country….

But every word was right on the money… I sure hope so anyways.

Talking to Shy Guy is very difficult for me. Not in the sense of just plain talking to him because we can always talk and have fun, but more in the sense of saying things that I want to say that could scare him. Getting HIM to talk to me (or open up about deeper topics) is even more difficult. I am used to dealing with more outgoing types, and he’s definitely on the other side in the listener direction.

For me to ask him “what we are” or “what this is” I think to him would feel like a sneak attack that he isn’t prepared for. He likes to think about things and be ready on his own terms. I am the type that likes to carefully plan and calculate my attacks of how I want to say something. I can’t just throw it out from left field and hope for the best, I have to think about it and take time to make the right play, especially with him.

Most people (aka my friends that are stuck listening to it) think that I should just talk to him and straight up ask him. If he has a problem with it then there’s the answer. I see it more as that I’m trying to come up with a plan that he can respond positively to so that this whole thing can work out in the end. If it doesn’t then that’s ok too, but if the relationship hangs in the balance of this “talk,” or how the talk goes down, then it has to be done right.

Shy Guy works nights at a boys home, and usually I can visit him at his work and we hang out in the kitchen. I like hanging out in the kitchen or outside because the setting is more casual, but it’s later at night so it feels comfortable and seems to allow us time to talk and open up.

When he started talking about his friends’ marriage troubles I asked him what scares him about marriage. He originally said nothing but then agreed when I said that my biggest fear related to that is living in a loveless marriage and that I always want to love the person I’m with.

After the conversation took a turn in this direction, I told him about how I used to try and hang out with multiple guys at the same time (I don’t wanna be a playa no more) more just to protect myself, but that after dating The Fighter I don’t want to be like that and am over that stage. I told him that The Fighter had called me and asked if there were any guys and I told him just one. (ONE!) I told him about how The Fighter asked if I would kiss him and how I told him no because I’m serious about being better with that. I told him about how much it hurt when he still hung out with the baby mama but there was nothing I could do since we weren’t technically together, and that I don’t want to hurt anyone else like that. I told him that if it ever gets to that point to let me know, and that in the end girls just want closure whether it’s good or bad.

Normally at this point in a conversation, the other person would open up also, but Shy Guy just nodded throughout, made a joke at the end, and then changed the direction of the conversation. He doesn’t like talking about feelings, which I get, but at the same time it makes him hard to read. Maybe he feels the same, maybe he doesn’t, but at least now he knows how I feel and maybe will want to do the same.

Talking about this conversation makes me feel lame and pathetic because it seems like it could be obvious that he was avoiding it for a reason. I’m not trying to make excuses for him (even though he really is shy, doesn’t open up, and doesn’t like feelings…) and like I’ve said- I’m ok with how it is for now so long as long as I’m personally doing good. Baby steps and patience feel like the only options right now. Hopefully this conversation can be a prequel to more because in the end I will get to the bottom of this some how some way, no matter which direction it’s headed.


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