He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar (pt.1)

As I mentioned before, I find it so interesting how different songs can have such strong memories attached to them, whether they are casual, positive, happy, or downright depressing and painful.

**This particular story is my biggest heartbreak to date, and there are so many songs that go along with it. I was a lot younger when this happened, but even today when I hear “Teardrops On My Guitar” (even though it’s slightly cheesy) or any of the songs related to him (there are so so many), the slight twinge of the intense pain I had at that time comes back. At least now I can recognize how far I’ve come. **

I used to have this guy (straight) best friend (BF). Best Friend and I worked together which is how we met, and then quickly began hanging out with our combined groups of friends. He would come over to my apartment all the time (our friendship actually spanned the length of every apartment I’ve lived in during college: 5) and just sit there together, talk, laugh, watch tv, listen to music, go on drives, go out to eat (he would always pay), go shopping, go camping, go to sports games, etc. The inside jokes and funny stories we had always made us laugh even if no one knew what we were talking about. Basically we really were best friends and did everything together. Any time I was going to do something, I knew it would be so much better and so much more fun if he was going to be there.

He was the biggest country music fan there was. Hanging out with him was actually what brought me back to my roots of loving country so much and our tastes in music was exactly the same (his was even MORE twangy than me if you can even imagine). We could talk country, watch videos, browse the “record store” as he called it, and listen to it for hours on end. I loved driving in his truck “out in the country past the city limit sign” (name that song!) listening to his twangy music. I can almost smell his truck if I think about it hard enough, and still find myself unconsciously turning my neck and following with my eyes to see if every maroon Tacoma driving by is his.

Everyone thought that we were dating. All the time we would get comments from friends, roommates, and even strangers and both of us would laugh awkwardly and say that we were just best friends. In the beginning I legitimately thought that it was so nice that we could just be friends and neither one of us liked the other. It was a classic case of him not being my “type” and me not being his, but our personalities connected so easily.

Around the two year mark of our friendship, it was to the point where this was our daily routine: we would text before I got to work, begin emailing back and forth at work once I got there, he would tell me to call him when I got done, I would call, he would say to come over, we would hang out for a couple hours, I would call him on my way home, and we would then continue to talk on the phone for at least a half hour or more. It was basically like we were dating without anything physical.

After at least three months of our relationship being like this (plus the previous two years of this building up), it was around this time that I found myself getting jealous of other girls and hoping something could happen with us. I slowly realized mayyyybe I kinda sorta might slightly like him more than just friends. It took a lot for me to admit it even to myself (obviously) after having denied it to everyone for so long (plus he was SO not my typical type… {ok ok he was white… but even still wasn’t my white-guy type}). I began to realize that the physical part wasn’t so important and that the fact that he was the best guy I knew and we got along so incredibly well wasn’t something I should overlook. I even confided in Bestie (girl) which was huge, because she was in a similar situation at the same time.

I realized that after all that time I had begun to think he was adorable in the little things he did, said, and thought. I knew exactly what he would do, say, or think in any given situation, and he knew me that way too. Sometimes I still miss the closeness of having that deep of a friendship.

I had about three weeks to revel in my newfound mindset of the possibility of liking him in that way. During this time, me, Bestie, him, his roommate, and another girl all went on a weird “date” of mini-golf.

At that three week mark, Best Friend started dating said girl.

I was completely and utterly devestated.

I cried everywhere. I cried basically every night, at school, at the gym, at the tanning salon (don’t worry, I have since beat tanorexia and have the wrinkles to prove it), at work, in my car, to Bestie, to my roommates, to my parents. You name it. I was a complete wreck for at least a full week, maybe two. Any song that felt remotely relative to the situation started the tears and heartache right over.

That week, the texts, the emails, the calls, the hanging out all stopped. It literally felt like he had died and not only had I lost the one guy I actually loved in the truest form, but even worse, my best friend as well. He was the one person I wanted to talk to, but my heartbreak was about him this time and he had no idea.

…to be continued…

He’s the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who’s got enough of me to break my heart
He’s the song in the car I keep singing, don’t know why I do
He’s the time taken up, but there’s never enough
And he’s all that I need to fall into

-Taylor Swift

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