You shouldn’t kiss me like this

I FINALLY had “the talk” with Shy Guy.

Things had kinda been fizzling down and he hadn’t been texting or wanting to hang out as much, yet everytime we do it’s amazing, and when he does text or chat me, he would say that he misses me and called me sweetheart. A little confusing right?

I knew that I could lure him with the fact that my roommates were gone for the holidays, and knew that I HAD to have the talk with him this time. I couldn’t keep doing it, the whole feels-like-we’re-dating-and-then-weeks-go-by thing was getting really old. This has been building for at least two months and it was driving me insane. It was do or die this time and the impending pressure and nervousness of knowing I had to do it was awful.

How do you bring up something like this, was the question I kept asking friends. I wasn’t scared of what the answer would be because I’d rather just know either way, I was more scared about how to bring it up with him. He has such a unique personality that I’m not used to at all and I knew if I went about it wrong, he would feel attacked and would resort to saying sorry, feeling guilty, and feeling like I hated him. In normal situations with people who say how they feel, it’d be easy and I would just ask. Shy Guy is totally different and I had to be very careful.

I didn’t want to say the usual cliches that make guys terrified, “what are we?” “what is this?” “where do you want this to go?” and didn’t want to sound presumptuous that we  were anything to begin with no matter how much it felt like it.

He came over around 11:30 at night as usual, and everything was perfectly normal. We were talking, laughing, and kissing all cutely (idk if that’s a word but just go with it) for a good hour or so. I had picked up a jacket of a specific brand of clothing he likes for a good price and gave it to him (not originally purchased as a Christmas present but whatever, nice timing). We talked more and then went into the kitchen to get a drink. The lights were off and we were hugging and naturally started kissing.

I wish he wasn’t such a good kisser. The way that he kisses is so different from other guys and feels like it’s deeper and that there’s meaning behind it. It makes me melt and just want to love him even more.

I obviously had thought long and hard about how to bring up the topic, and knew that it was go time. I HAD to say something before he left back to work (which he had actually said he needed to get back) but I had been waiting for the right time. I kept kissing him on purpose, and while we were kissing, the song of this posts’ title came into my mind, “you shouldn’t kiss me like this, unless you mean it like that… then I’ll just close my eyes, and I won’t know where I’m at…” I thought about just saying that to him right then. “No, (I thought to myself) maybe I could start by saying it another way… maybe if I said… NO just go with the song!”

I pulled back and started off tentatively, “… So there’s this country song… that says “you shouldn’t kiss me like this, unless you mean it like that.”

He paused for a moment and then nervously said “I know I shouldn’t be and I’m not ready, but I know we can’t keep doing this… I should probably listen to the song though huh?”

I told him that he should and he asked who sings it (Toby Keith for the record, props if you knew!) and then I just straight up said “it’s totally fine if you’re not ready, it’s just hard for me to hang out with you like this and then not see you for two weeks because I kinnnda like (bringing up my hand to do the motion) just a little bit.”

He offered up a crooked little smile and said “Oh just a little huh?” He then tried to explain himself. “I haven’t dated anyone seriously for a year and a half… and I know I should be focusing on that and not just kiss you like this. I just keep focusing on everything but that and I just don’t feel ready. I need to work on it and I’m trying to.. it’s just… I thought I was ready.”

I asked him why he thought he wasn’t, if it was because he was scared of the commitment of it, scared it wouldn’t work out, etc and he said it was a combination of all of it. I asked if he was scared of getting heartbroken and he said that he used to be, but not so much now. I told him that it was fine and that I wasn’t necessarily asking for me (total lie) but I just wanted to know where he was at with girls and dating in general (truth). He said that when it gets to the point of getting close with someone he gets nervous and second guesses himself. I definitely called this part of it. Shy Guy does NOT like opening up or talking about deeper issues, and it’s hard for him to make even small decisions, let alone something like this.

We talked about it more, and as I expected, at this point I could tell that he felt really bad. He was looking down at the ground and just seemed downtrodden (poor guy). I lifted his head with my hands to look him in the eyes and said “(nickname)! It’s ok! You don’t need to worry about it I promise, it’s fine. When you’re ready you’ll be ready and whoever is there will be really lucky.” I joked that I would be there waiting at the back of the line, he said that he just felt bad and that I would need to be patient with him. <—- That part was kinda weird because that sounds like present tense… no?

We talked a little more and then towards the end I said that just so he knows, I would be patient, it’s totally fine, and we can still be friends and hang out. He thanked me and I think felt a little relieved. I felt relieved that I finally said it and finally knew where he stands.

On my end, it’s not the end of the world if we don’t date. I would love nothing more than to date him, but if he’s not ready right now then that’s fine and there will be other people. I’m just glad to know.

At that point it was actually funny because we had been kissing a little in between but then it just turned into a full on hot makeout sesh where it seemed like we both were like “Well? Screw it, might as well make it hot while we can!” He left back to work after awhile of that and texted me the next day thanking me again for the jacket.

My friend The Editor said that now I should just wait for him to make any contact, which I think was very good advice. If he wants to then he will, and otherwise I should try and not get too into worrying about it. I’ve done good so far and he texted me on Christmas, and chatted me just earlier today saying happy new year (happy new year everyone!!) and that he’d have to tell me this crazy story about work. It kinda hurt my heart a little talking to him because I really do like him a lot and just wish he would love me!

Alas, that is where it stands for now. I still wish that something will happen or that he’ll magically just realize what he’s missing and want to TRY and date, but I’m not banking on it.  At least for now I know where he stands, and he knows where I stand.

They’re all watchin’ us now
They think we’re falling in love
They’d never believe we’re just friends
When you kiss me like this
I think you mean it like that
And if you do baby kiss me again

-Toby Keith

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2 Responses to You shouldn’t kiss me like this

  1. Kiah says:

    Your love-life reads like a novel (in a good way). I’m glad you’re documenting it this way for yourself. Ever think of doing something more formal, like a book? (Even if that possibility feels eons away :-))

    • Country Girl says:

      Yeah that’s actually kinda why I started the blog, just so I can remember my journey through singledom and maybe be able to look at it from a different perspective seeing it written out. I never even thought about writing a book so it definitely would be eons if I did haha but I’m glad it reads like one at least, thanks!

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