I Ain’t Settlin’

This song used to be (and still is I guess) a personal mantra and I’ve always been determined not to “settle” for dating or marrying someone that I feel is less than I think that I deserve. [Probably why I’m still single but whatevs.]

This leads me to a situation I’ve gotta get off my chest.

It pains me inside when I see girls settling for losers just because they think they can’t do better and think that’s the best they’ll get. Because they think that no other guy would like them. Because they’re desperate. Because they’re too emotionally attached to get out.

One of my current roommates is in this predicament (in my opinion), and I’m not quite sure how to act about it.

When she first started dating him, she said she just wanted to date him to get to know him and for the fun, but didn’t think she could ever marry him.

After a little while when she asked me my thoughts on him, I told her that honestly, I thought she could do better. Her response? “Well if the past 5 years (of not dating anyone) have proven anything I obviously can’t.” Sounds like settling, no?

Now they’ve dated for over a year and she’s convinced herself to like him enough to marry him. I don’t doubt that she does love him to an extent now, but in my psychology opinion I think she’s convinced herself this far.

When a former roommate of ours (Editor) asked her why she liked him, she said he’s hilarious and a good communicator (which I also doubt)… and that was it. He still has a lot of schooling ahead of him and works as a TA while she works two part-time jobs and has a lot of debt. He’s made comments about her weight multiple times. There’s deeper problems than I’ll even go into, but basically I think they’re up against a lot of issues and potential heartbreak. I’m around them all the time and their relationship just seems very surface-level. It seems like my roommate thinks that just because they’ve dated for a year and she “loves” him, that means they should get married and that it’ll be perfect.

Editor has a classic analogy that we love: If you’re going to buy a car, you want to get the best deal possible BEFORE you commit to buying it. You want to know how it runs, anything that’s wrong with it from the start, good and bad, to be able to make a smart and informed decision. Some things you can sacrifice on, others you can’t. If you ignore potential problems, it’s gonna land you on the side of the road and a lot of repairs that may outweigh cost.

I feel like for my roommate, there should be a lot of blaring neon (neon moon- couldn’t help it) warning signs and she’s either too blind to see them, is choosing to ignore them, or both. From that same Oprah show I talked about in a previous post, she said that if there’s warning signs and you’re ingnoring them, it’s because you don’t want to do anything to change the situation. I feel like this is exactly what’s going on here.

My personal internal debate has been that I want to tell her so bad, the legitimate problems I see and just talk it through. Not even try to convince her not to do it, because I think it’s past that point and she’s too far gone. I would more just want to have an honest conversation and tell her how I really feel. Maybe shed light on potential problems so that she can think those through.

Our other roommate that just got married, had dated the guy for a year and their relationship was completely different. No problems there and I was so so happy for her. It’s not about jealousy or even the fact that I don’t like him, it’s that I feel like she’s walking into a ticking time bomb.

It’s hard for me to pretend to be happy for her and pretend to like him when I’m not and I don’t. It makes me feel like I’m a fake person to do that anyone- even a compliment about singing or attire, etc- let alone to my good friend and roommate. Instead I just either don’t say anything, or keep responses very short. I’m pretty sure she knows how I feel, and doesn’t want the honesty because it contradicts her fantasy world life that she’s built up.

People close to her all tippy-toe around this situation in her presence, but I know how they really feel. People don’t like being honest, but for me, it’s hard NOT to be honest and to keep it to myself.

Truth be told, I really just love her and want the best for her. If she’s happy with him and feels it right, then fine I will support her. I really do hope that for her sake it works out and that they can make it work. If it doesn’t, she’s the one that’s gonna take the hard hit and I would be there for her to help pick up the pieces.

Does anyone have experience with this? Am I way off base and I should just leave it alone? Should I be looking for an opportunity to try and gently talk to her about it because I love her, or is it best to just keep it in and try to act happy for her no matter how hard it is?

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