Just when I thought I’d found it…

So, update on that Hawaiian boy (emphasis on boy, as per usual).

We had been going out pretty consistently. We even had a Valentine’s date (which I have never had in all of my life), where he made banana pancakes for breakfast, and then had flowers and a card waiting at my apt when I got home from work. It was really sweet and adorable, I’ll give it to him.

We both got busy there for a bit, I took a week-long course to be court certified to do mediations, and he has school, but we still made time to do actual dates, which is more than I can say for some of the other guys.

We had a couple deep conversations- the kind that I love- where we talked about our lives and who we are and what we want. We both want the same things, and he’s basically everything I would want in the person that I eventually end up with.

He’s determined, passionate, motivated, honest, and caring. He’s a leader not a follower. He can’t wait to have kids some day. [I personally am terrified of having kids but I liked that he’s the type that’s excited about it to balance it out]. He has goals and is set on achieving them. Most of all, he is a genuinely good guy, which is really what I want.

There was a Sunday that we had hung out and it was really fun and went well. I was still trying to wrap my head around the fact that he’s so young AND wanted to date AND I wasn’t sure about that AND is just so gosh dang perfect. As the week went by and I realized that I was kindof missing him… could it be? Could I maybe like him a little more than I thought? Could I actually be considering this as an actual option??

We went out again that weekend and after the week of considering it, I had let my guard down a little. He mentioned some girl in his hawaiian dance class and another one at his complex that were cute that he thought liked him. I wasn’t liking it, and wondered again “am I actually getting slightly jealous right now…?”

Later that night, we had a talk and he said we should keep dating, but date other people too.

I was originally a little upset, mostly because I felt like my uncertainty with him had turned him into this person… but the next day I felt so much better and so much more free.

In a subsequent talk a couple days later, I told him that if we were gonna date other people, then we were just gonna be friends and that it wasn’t going to be a booty call, and he agreed.

The next time we were together, Stylist came over to my apartment halfway through and chapperoned hung out with us, so we did good on that agreement.

That was the last time I saw him, two weeks ago, and now I’m pretty sure it’s over for good.

I had told him that my concern with just being friends is that I would put him in the friend zone and not think of him as anything else. He had said he disagreed and that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

After not hearing from him for a week, I texted him, and in his response, he “casually” said he had been busy studying and “trying to meet girls.” Nice, thanks for throwing that in, douche. I can take a hint, but you don’t need to play stupid games when I’m 26 years old. I told him he could just be straight up and not have to drop hints, and he never responded. And still hasn’t. Really showed his age/immaturity there.

Here’s the thing: I had slowly succombed to the idea of him, but never fully him.

That fact alone has made this whole thing a piece of cake. I don’t feel hurt or upset, or anything really. Annoyed at how it went down, yes. Sad about another failed relationship, yes. Sad about losing him? No.

Call me vain, but the attraction was just never fully there for me. He didn’t have that spark, that attitude, that thing I had with The Fighter and Shy Guy. I’m used to big guys (Shy Guy is 6’3 and probably 260 for heck’s sake- HOT), and The Hawaiian was barely taller than me and not that much bigger. He was definitely strong, but I think the height combined with the age and maturity level just made me feel so much older than him, and it was hard to ever break through that barrier. I would’ve tried just because he was such a great guy, but it was still hard.

I hate when things end badly, and this definitely left a sour taste in my mouth. I always tell guys whenever I get the chance, that girls just want some type of closure. I’m perfectly fine that this is over, but I mostly just want to know what made him make that decision so abruptly. As a girl, it’s hard not to go over every little thing in your brain and wonder if there was another girl or if you did or said something wrong that made him change his mind.

Mostly right now, I just feel pretty meh, blah, and over it. On to the next. To the left. I think that this minor (still playing on words) relationship has been pretty significant in the sense that I feel like it’s guiding me to the right one. Although I never truly fell for The Hawaiian himself, there were a lot of things I liked about the person that he was, and a lot of things I would want in a future someone. It was a good experience for me to see that, and also to see how I should be treated. And for that, I am grateful.

In the circles I’ve been running,
I’ve covered many miles,
And I could search forever for what’s right before my eyes.
Just when I thought I’d found it,
It was nothing like I’d planned,
When I got my heart around it, it slipped right through my hands

-Carrie Underwood

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